he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
