Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
