Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
