How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
