It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
