At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
