where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize