WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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