i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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