toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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