No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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