when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
