i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize