Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
home. puking in laundry basket.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize