My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
