Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't special order awesome
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
