dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
