If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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