Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
