either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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