Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
