Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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