Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
