I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
my sisters under your porch take her home
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
