You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
