Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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