My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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