I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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