You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
