I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize