I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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