hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
