hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
