does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
