genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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