Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
