Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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