just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
