Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
