I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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