and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
