I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
