I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
