Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
where are my eyebrows?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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