I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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