I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
