remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
