Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
