i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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