even my farts smell like vagina
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
