mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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