It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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