If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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