she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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