It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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