it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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