the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
