turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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