my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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