You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
