we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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