Your mouth is God's brothel.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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