I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
