I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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